Survivor 4: Afghanistan

By week 4, it has become obvious that bin Laden's terror skills are helping him. In addition to winning most of the games set up by the network executives, bin Laden's "tribe" has assassinated some of the strongest members of the opposing tribe.

... but not all contestants are happy being in such tight quarters with the admitted terrorist. Here are testimonials from other contestants:

Bitchy Girl: "Osama is really a jerk. He keeps trying to cut my hands off for showing my bare legs and arms."

Big Buff Black Guy: "That bin Laden guy is such a chump. Every time it's our turn for a challenge, he hides behind me and tries to throw his voice to volunteer me so he doesn't have to do it. If there weren't so many cameras around, I'd kick his ass."

ex-navy seal guy: "Gimmie one shot at him, man I'll bust his chops." When asked why he joined Survivor, he refused to comment.

After weeks of failed military attempts to bring bin Laden down, the government is ready to let CBS give it a try. "bin Laden may be able to evade our special forces," opined Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld "but we are confident that the other cast members will vote him out of Afghanistan and give us a clear shot at him." After all, if there's one thing scarier than the modern military, it's reality television.