Hubble Telescope Used as Air Guitar

The beleagured space agency admitted that it has loosened its restrictions on astronaut training over the past few years, as interest in space travel has steadily declined. While it used to take The Right Stuff to be an astronaut, these days it just takes Some Stuff, which Terkulwicz barely has.

His resume lists him as a part-time bouncer, part-time rodeo clown, part-time subject of various biological warfare experiments and lead-singer of Tallahassee bar band, Joe Camel Toe. A NASA source said Terkulwicz was selected for the mission because, "he had passed out from drinking and was easy to load onto the shuttle."

Terkulwicz's mission was to intercept the Hubble Telescope and take the lens cover off of it.

Terkulwicz: "I was all like, 'maaan, what a hangover' ya know? And they were all like, 'get out there and take that lens cap off,' and I was like, 'bro! No way I'm walkin out in space without my tunes! Play my Van Halen CD or I'm not gonna do it!'"

Terkulwicz completed the delicate task just as the showcase solo song "Eruption" began playing. Apparently caught up in the moment, or possibly high on methamphetamine, Terkulwicz manhandled the multi-million dollar telescope while screaming, "Turkey Rulez!!!" Scientists on the ground are furious at these antics, while the rest of the country sucked down a few cold ones for old Turkey.