Dork Finally Gets A Girlfriend... In His Video Game

Local video game afficianado and hapless dork Kevin Knight has finally gotten a girlfriend, thanks to his latest role-playing video game, The Simulates. Kevin, who in real-life is hopelessly slovenly and putridly repugnant, is going through the rites of passage previously only afforded to eligible bachelors.

"My girlfriend's name is Nancy," snorted Kevin between loud slurps on his 64-ounce Slushee, "and she likes flowers and diamonds. I have to rob the local liquor store in order to buy her things, but she's worth it."

Thanks to technology, Kevin has lived many lives: a World War II soldier, futuristic spaceship pilot, secret agent, and now world class lover. In real life, he has basically been a drain on his parents' electricity, food bill, and spare bedroom since graduating high school in 1995.

As an unfortunate sidenote to this story at press time, we've learned that due to a bug in the game, Kevin's girlfriend has recently dumped him for a grape soda machine.