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Ask Dr. Health

Dear Dr. Health,
I'm a workaholic and I find that my busy work schedule leaves me little time to get good sleep. I hear that short naps throughout the day are helpful. Anything else you'd suggest?

Sincerely,
Tired in Tucson

Dear Tired,

You're in luck! Not only do you live in the sun belt, where fossils flock every year to maintain their minimal metabolism, but you also live in one of the main methamphetamine producing regions in the country.

If you find that you have no time for sleep, you should flag down any pickup truck which is either lowered, or on ridiculously large off-road tires, and ask the driver if you can buy methamphetamines from him. It is more commonly called "crank," and using that term will make you appear less square.

If it worked for Elvis, it'll work for you!

Happy Tweaking,
Dr. Health

Dear Dr. Health,
I think my eyesight is getting progressively worse over these past few years and I'm afraid I'll need glasses. Is there anything I can do to regain my old 20/20 eyesight?

Signed,
Eyesight in Eagle Rock

Dear Eyesight,

There is only one thing to do when your vision starts to go. I want you to look around for someone who has eyes that look like they'd fit in your head. Then when they're sleeping, swap eyes with that person. It's easier than it sounds, really. All you need is a big mallet, a melon-baller, and four band-aids.

Happy Hunting,
Dr. Health

Dear Dr. Health,
I am an elderly woman who is concerned about the flu vaccine shortage this year. I have two questions. First, is it very likely that I will get the flu if I don't get vaccinated? Second, if I can't get the vaccine, what should I do to protect myself?

Please help,
Scared Senior in Sacramento

Dear Scared,

The shortage of flu vaccines this year has been troubling for everyone. I've gotten this question a number of times over these past few months and all I can say is: you're totally screwed. Being an old lady like yourself, I think the best thing to do is simply wait for the flu to get you and send you to heaven. Then you won't have to worry any more. Why would I say such a thing? I'm a freakin' doctor... I gave myself the vaccine in July, Suckers!

Happy Flu-gettin',
Dr. Health

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Dr. Health has a Masters in Health and currently does not contribute to modern Science.