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Ask Dr. Health

Dear Dr. Health,
I've been thinking about getting one of those "Extreme Makeovers" I see on TV. You know, that show that gives people plastic surgery and stuff. Do you have any tips for me?

Sincerely,
Ugly in Utica

Dear Ugly,

Before you go through with this makeover, let me get a few things straight. You say you live in Utica. And you're ugly. Well, I've been to Utica and everybody there is ugly. If you are any uglier than the average Utican, I would suggest an Extreme Plane Crash might be the solution you are looking for.

Sincerely,
Dr. Health

Dear Dr. Health,
I am just back from Spring Break. It was a drunken blur. Now that I'm sober and back at home, I can't help but notice that I have some type of sunburn around my genital area. I was in Palm Beach, FL. Is there a hole in the ozone over that city or something like that?

Uncomfortably,
Itchy in Indiana

Dear Itchy,

Your sunburn is not exactly a sunburn. It's an allergic reaction to what us Medical people call "Spring Fever" and is caused by excessive drinking and partying. I myself have had "Spring Fever" every year since I was in college and boy does it burn. My suggestion to you is to ignore it and hope the next woman you sleep with doesn't notice it. If you need to explain it, go with the suburn story.

Good Luck,
Dr. Health

Dear Dr. Health,
Every Spring my Allergies drive me crazy!! I was thinking this year I should try one of these allergy drugs they advertise on TV. Do you have any recommendations?

Signed,
Sneezy in St. Louis

Dear Sneezy,

Allergies occur when pollen, dust particles, or other airborn contaminants cause an immune response in your upper-respiratory system. While over-the-counter and prescription medications seek to ameliorate the symptoms (red, swollen eyes, nasal and throat congestion, headaches), they don't go to the heart of the problem. The problem is you are breathing this stuff in. Start wearing a plastic bag over your head during allergy season. Write back if you still experience symptoms.

Fraudulently,
Dr. Health

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Dr. Health has a Masters in Health and currently does not contribute to modern Science.