Lizard Tree > Fast Food Manager Says Stupid Shit

Fast Food Manager Says Stupid Shit

Nebraska City, NE

Freedom fries with that

"OK, team! It's the fourth quarter, and we're down by one touchdown. Who's gonna hit a home run and win us the Stanley Cup?" implored a wild-eyed and enthusiastic Henry Fritzkopf, as he tried to push his McDonald's crew to meet the demands of the lunch-hour rush. "Johnny, if you put a little more 'Talley-Ho' in your burger-stacking, we'd all feel the cool breeze of organization"

Since taking over the mid-day shift at the Nebraska City, NE McDonald's, Fritzkopf has tried to live up to what he feels is the biggest and most exciting challenge of his life.

"Getting my employees to see themselves as a team, reaching for a goal greater than any one of them could reach individually, is what I'm here for. I have to tell you though," he said with a gleam of pride in his eyes, "I have over 50 years of McDonald's greatness to lean on. I guess you could say I'm standing on the shoulders of giants."

Nearby, a pimply teenager rolled his eyes as he attempted to remove three heavy frying baskets without burning himself with the super-hot cooking oil.

After their shift at a nearby Starbucks, chain-smoking employees shared what they really think of Fritzkopf.

"He reads books about management and motivation, like he's a stockbroker or something," complains 3-month veteran Jenny Vu. "This is McDonald's for God's sake. None of us want to be here. As soon as I get a job at the Gap I'm quitting. All my friends make fun of me." [uses deep stupid-sounding voice for effect] "C'mon Jenny, think OUTside the box. But put the Happy Meal IN the box..."

"And he tries to be all from the ghetto and shit when he talks to me," added black team member Ron Williams. [with white-bread accent] "Hey there Ronny, we need some fries up in the hood! Are you my main dog?"

"I swear, when I quit, I'm coming back with a ski-mask," promised disgruntled cashier Victor Taglio, "but not to rob the place. Just to punch that guy right in the gut!"

The gripe session broke up quickly when Fritzkopf was spotted coming into the Starbucks parking lot in his '83 Escort.