You're Not as Cool as You Think

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you're just not as cool as you think you are.

Yes, it's true that those sunglasses you bought are cool... on the right person. But you forget that one of your ears is slightly higher than the other, and the glasses are crooked on your face. The specially-designed horn-rimmed glasses you use to read with should be the only pair you wear on your face, and even those are pretty lame.

Members Only jackets, although cool at one point in history, are not cool now... and most likely, you were never a "Member" anyhow. Oh yeah, and cut down on the AquaNet. What do you think, it's 1983?

That phrase "Whazzzaaah!" has been played out for at least 5 years now. You should probably stop saying it... also, it means "what's up?" and not "what's that?"

No matter who you are, you can't pull off Coolness driving a 1987 Nova with a missing rear bumper and a hatchback tied closed with a PacMan belt. It's just... it's not cool at all.

Now stop pop-locking and go away. You are not cool, and you will never be.